2004/11/17

The Cubicle of Death

If your manager doesn't understand why cubicles are a bad place to spend your working day, then they should have to spend a couple of weeks in a Cubicle of Death. I found one when I was contracting for a mid-sized company. I thank the fates that I was only there for a few weeks.

The biggest problem is noise. The cube neighbors nattered endlessly about incredibly inane topics. When they're not talking, they liked to eat crunchy, high decibel foods like corn chips and carrots.

Very little of that nattering relates directly to work. It's about the dead bird in the driveway, or the pictures on the latest tasteless Internet site, the email joke of the day, and so on. It's best if they use a lot of obscenities. It shows they really mean what they say, even if what they say has little meaning.

If they need to talk on the telephone, they'll do so loudly. They don't really need to talk on the telephone, but their day is somehow unfulfilled if they don't. There is a direct correlation between the volume of their voice, and the degree to which the phone conversation does not relate to work. If they are talking about their hemorrhoids, they'll be practically shouting.

After noise comes the cramped, artificial conditions. No natural lighting. Windows were reserved for second-tier managers. Windows that open were reserved for the topmost executives. The furniture would be utilitarian if it was in good repair, but drawers are missing, and the ergonomic chair must have been designed for some other species.